Stalling.

I tried to keep my mind occupied today. I made some plain butter this morning (sometimes purity is the way to go) and drank so much coffee I couldn't walk straight. I started reading Dangling Man by Saul Bellow. Homes has been telling me to read it for a while now. It's not picking me up.

I had to go see my probation officer. She kept asking me why I was shaking so much. Too much coffee, I said. I think that's why I was shaking. I'm sure she could tell I'm not in a good way. I felt bad. I don't think I ever come across as a very happy person, even when I'm happy. I can only imagine what people think about me when I've got the heavy stuff on my mind.

I got home and watched a few of my favorite movies. I watched Life is Beautiful. I watched The Seventh Seal. I watched Live Free or Die Hard. I wrote a poem. I threw the poem away. I wrote another.

I can't tell if it is painful for Stella to go out or not. I hate that. If these are to be her final days, I'd like her to be happy, but I'm afraid that everything I try to do for her might just bring her more pain. For the first time in her life, I'm not sure that she knows what she wants, either. I'm going to go watch The Last Temptation of Christ. That'll get me going:( Remember, Jesus was a Cross Maker.