Beginnings

I can't believe Stella's gone.

Even though I didn't think I was up for writing today, I know that Stella would have wanted me to and so here I am, typing away. I don't really know what to write about. Things have been overwhelming since the New Year, and I haven't had a chance to breathe. My heart hurts. Even my hurt hurts.

Stella, I miss you. You were a beautiful dog. Your mischievous deeds were endearing--the way you barked at school buses and birds, or snagged Warden's milk bones, the dexterity in which you finagled into the cupboard and ate all the chocolate bars (I thought you were going to die then!). There will never be another dog quite like you. I remember the first day I brought you home. You chewed through all the new window blinds and marred the kitchen floor with your paws, and I thought: "What did I get myself into?" You were one of the best things that happened to me. Warden misses you too. He's been licking the tears from my face all morning, keeping me company.

I must look forward. Even though sadness has overtaken me, I know that I can't let it consume and destroy my being. In prison, I witnessed several men allow their selves to die because they believed they were perpetually helpless. I've come too far to let that happen!

I decided, earlier today, to have Stella's body cremated. I want to take her ashes with me on my vision quest.

The vision quest. I have to start planning this expedition soon, which will be nice because I have to keep my mind busy.

I know I will feel this sadness for a while yet. But, I also feel the beginnings of something else-excitement? hope?