Gasoline

But who did I run into today? Bailey. I ran into Bailey today at the grocery store and we talked about many things because we hadn't seen each other in a long time. He said that he'd been clean for two weeks. I didn't know he had a problem. I told him that I was also a changed man.

He was buying q-tips. I was eye shopping. Cereal is expensive. We said goodbye.

Neither one of us mentioned chess. Maybe, Bailey's been clean from chess for two weeks. Maybe, he's been clean from...me.

On the way back to my apartment, I smelled gasoline.

When I was fourteen, my best friend and I huffed gasoline. We were curious. We were risk takers.

A man in a mauve minivan wearing a suit pulled up beside me. This was on the way back to my apartment, after I'd smelled the gasoline. He asked me where the funeral home was. I told him he had to turn around and at the light, make a right. He thanked me. I nodded. I wanted to understand his solemnity and the fear of arriving late to a funeral.

We were stupid. We huffed. We were scared. We were in a field.

My fingers felt like worms. I jammed them into the dirt and waited for them to crawl away. I waited for my fingers to eat dirt and dirt, crawl further into earth. My friend, he stood up and took a big breath. I thought he'd taken all the air into his lungs. We laughed.

When it rains, I thought, I'll find my fingers on the surface somewhere.

This is how it was.