Super. Bowl.

I wanted to walk to the library today, but it's closed! The roads are still pretty bad, but the snow is nice to look at. I was supposed to meet up with Bailey later this afternoon to play a game of chess, but he said that he wouldn't be able to drive anywhere because his car was plowed in and that he didn't feel like walking, on account of his condition.

Guy called just a few minutes ago and said that he'd stop by and maybe we could watch the Superbowl together. "The Superbowl?" I said. It's been so long since I've watched the Superbowl. I've heard about the Superbowl in prison, but this will be the first Superbowl I've watched in twenty years, if I decide to watch it... And I don't know if I want to even watch it, I mean, I haven't been following football since my release. "I don't know if I want to watch the game, Guy," I said. "Nonsense!" he said. I said, "No, really, I don't know anything about the teams."

Sometimes, it's hard telling people that you don't want to do something. I like Guy, but he doesn't understand. There's a bunch of things that've lost their significance in prison. Birthdays. Holidays. Summer. Vacation . The future. And the Superbowl. The Superbowl is forgotten. The Superbowl is the least of my worries.

Am I being stubborn? I don't know.

And aloneness is only a ghost. It likes to seep through cracks, at night or in the winter. But there are no cracks here. Here I feel sewn up, surrounded by substance like a nut in velvet or an eye in a sock. The room is seamless and all over my skin, enclosing. To keep me company, I have both dreams and memories.

I think that today, I'll start planning for the vision quest. I keep thinking about it, but that's all I do. Think. I need to act. I really care about the vision quest, and maybe that's why it's so hard to get started.

I want it to be prolific.
I want it to change me.

But, I can't think about all that or the whole purpose of the vision quest will become a farce. It just needs to happen.