The Past...The Future!

Where life begins, and where it ends, I think is the question that I want to answer before it's time for me to go. I mean, I know it begins at the beginning--I know that--but consciousness is different. When you start to feel the world, you know? You start to understand yourself, and then you just wish you knew who you actually were like 10 years ago or something. Self-knowledge, that's what all those therapists and even Homes always used to talk about. Who are you, Curt? they would ask, and there was never really an answer, or at least not one that I was aware of at the time. But now, maybe, I have an answer! Call me up and ask me now, you a**holes!

Like what if I was 18, and had already tried all that other stuff, all that other bad, crazy stuff, and realized that all I really wanted to do was make butter, and blog, and try to keep my dogs from destroying everything valuable that I own. I would already know that I didn't have to go to the bar every night, and do blow in the back seat of my best friend's car, and all the other crazy s**t we were doing way back when. What if there was peace then, and not craziness. But would I have ever found peace without fate, or whatever the heck it was? Maybe I could have had twenty extra years of freedom but I wouldn't have properly valued it because I hadn't so definitively kissed the bottom.

Think about it: what if you were twenty years younger, but knew what you know now? That would be kind of cool, right? What would you change? Would it be hard to change?

Tony used to say, "there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who take what they want, and those who wish they were the kind of people who just take what they want."

Maybe Tony was just an a**hole.