Gumption

Delivered papers this morning. Have to say, not much has changed since I left. I asked some of the guys, "What happened to the person that had my route?" and they all got quiet and didn't say anything after that.

The Ghost, ever cheery, said, "Jimenez, you can't deliver them papers standing around, can you?"
"No, sir, I guess you can't," I said.

He spit a chewed up sunflower seed onto the ground. Dad would have whooped me if I'd gone and done that, he still would, I'm willing to bet. I wonder what The Ghost's father is like. The Phantom or The Mummy.

I delivered the papers in a time that was less than spectacular, but good enough. I just don't have it in me anymore. You know, the gumption. No vision quest to save up for. The gumption's all but dried up. And even though delivering papers hasn't changed, I have. What happens when one pea in a two pea pod rots? You can't have a good looking apple when one half is pocked with worm holes, can you?

I knew a man once, who drove down a straight stretch of road by my house growing up, who strapped binoculars over his eyes. This man had gumption. He was my best friend, Tony.

So I asked Tony, "Why do you drive with binoculars over your eyes? You crazy or something?"
He said, "I'm not your mom." That really stung, but I didn't let it show because I didn't let those kinds of things bother me unless I was alone in my bedroom, where I'd tear at the wall or chew on the pillow with hurt. Tony knew before any of us wanted to know, that something up there in her head had gone out and that her eyes floated, seeking.
"No, really, why do you do it? You're gonna get yourself killed."
"So I can see" Tony said. "Think about it." Then he said, "See."
But I thought he was crazy, the whole time.

But I understand now. He was seeking also, but the lights on inside his head, his eyes, focused.

I am seeking.
For gumption.