Special Family Portraits

There is a place across the street from Belle Star's diner that specializes in Family Portraits. It is called Special Family Portraits, with the motto: Finally, Family Portraits Done by People Who Actually Specialize in Family Portraits, beneath the sign, Special Family Portraits.

Call me crazy, but I wanted to get a picture taken with my family--Warden and Regrette. I walked over to Special Family Portraits after work today and asked a woman with super long fingernails, wearing an airbrushed t-shirt that said, Tiffany, if I could get a picture taken with "two large dogs," to which she responded, "Of course, honey. The bigger the better. Hahaha! Hahaheehee! "

I scheduled an appointment for later in the day. I rushed home and put on my nicest pair of jeans and my only button-down shirt. I brushed Warden and Regrette and gave them kisses, and then treats, and then some more kisses. They are my family, are they not?

When we arrived at Special Family Portraits, the woman I'd talked to earlier greeted us at the door. "You weren't kidding," she said, "these dogs are huge. Heehee!" She ushered us into a room with a white backdrop and a big camera. Warden and Regrette's tails wagged with excitement, smacking my legs. "You look nice, cowboy," the woman said.

"Who? Me?" I said.

"Haha!" she said. She was very happy. Maybe we were her only customers of the day. Or for the month. "Heehee!"

I sat on a white cube, flanked by Warden and Regrette. The woman made strange noises to get the dogs' attention. "Caw caw!" she said. "Bupee bupee bupee!" she said. Even after the dogs were looking at the camera, she persisted with "Ahh Eee Ooo Eee Ahh!" and always that "Hee hee! Ha!"

After the photo shoot, she pulled up the pictures and asked what kind of background I wanted. "I don't know," I said, "What kind of backgrounds do you have?"

"Hee hee! A ton," she said. Warden, Regrette, and I were in space with a click of a button. Then, in a meadow. Beside a river. In front of the Alps. Riding a wave in Hawaii. At a rainbow's base beside a pot of gold. In a field of sunflowers. Up high in the sky.

In the end, I chose the lasers. The simple red, green, blue, and purple lines, crisscrossing behind our heads, intersecting our bodies randomly.

"Good choice," the woman said. "Hee hee!"

"Thanks," I said.