Monday, February 8, 2010

Milk and Bread


There is still so much snow, and it is cold! Today, I walked to the neighborhood grocery store. I needed some bread and some milk, and some heavy whipping cream. I don't drink milk, but everybody buys bread and milk when it snows like crazy. It's an American tradition.
I waited behind a few other customers in the checkout lane. The woman in front of me had two small children and was buying some bananas and a People magazine. She looked like she had worked way too hard getting dolled up before she came to the store. It's funny--with weather like this, nobody expects anybody to do anything other than stay warm and try not to get stuck anywhere. People are more likely to judge you if you look decent than if you haven't showered in a few days. Everybody you see on the street is carrying a shovel. Anyways, the woman struck up a conversation with me, even though I was trying to wear as unfriendly an expression as I could muster.
"What is it with bread and milk?" she asked me.
"I enjoy them," I said. "And they're perishable."
"Hmm."
"What if this never ends?" I asked her.
"Hmmm?"
"We assume the winter will end, because Winter always has ended in the past, but what if this one doesn't? What if this is the 'new normal'? What if we'll be digging our cars out of snow piles every day for the rest of our existence?"
The cashier was ready for her now. The woman smiled at me. She paid, and headed for the doors. "Bye Sisyphus!" she whispered to me. I felt silly. I didn't need this stuff. I took the milk back to the dairy cooler, and headed home.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Super. Bowl.

I wanted to walk to the library today, but it's closed! The roads are still pretty bad, but the snow is nice to look at. I was supposed to meet up with Bailey later this afternoon to play a game of chess, but he said that he wouldn't be able to drive anywhere because his car was plowed in and that he didn't feel like walking, on account of his condition.

Guy called just a few minutes ago and said that he'd stop by and maybe we could watch the Superbowl together. "The Superbowl?" I said. It's been so long since I've watched the Superbowl. I've heard about the Superbowl in prison, but this will be the first Superbowl I've watched in twenty years, if I decide to watch it... And I don't know if I want to even watch it, I mean, I haven't been following football since my release. "I don't know if I want to watch the game, Guy," I said. "Nonsense!" he said. I said, "No, really, I don't know anything about the teams."

Sometimes, it's hard telling people that you don't want to do something. I like Guy, but he doesn't understand. There's a bunch of things that've lost their significance in prison. Birthdays. Holidays. Summer. Vacation . The future. And the Superbowl. The Superbowl is forgotten. The Superbowl is the least of my worries.

Am I being stubborn? I don't know.

And aloneness is only a ghost. It likes to seep through cracks, at night or in the winter. But there are no cracks here. Here I feel sewn up, surrounded by substance like a nut in velvet or an eye in a sock. The room is seamless and all over my skin, enclosing. To keep me company, I have both dreams and memories.

I think that today, I'll start planning for the vision quest. I keep thinking about it, but that's all I do. Think. I need to act. I really care about the vision quest, and maybe that's why it's so hard to get started.

I want it to be prolific.
I want it to change me.

But, I can't think about all that or the whole purpose of the vision quest will become a farce. It just needs to happen.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Snow Day!

Did some shoveling this morning. Couldn't deliver anything! That's how much snow we got! It was nice having the day off. I slept in. I ate my breakfast slowly. I took Warden on a long walk. It was fun watching him run through the snow. He looked like a dolphin, hopping in and out of the snow.

Everyone seemed to be in a good mood. It's strange how many smiles this chaotic weather brought. So many people were walking in the streets, having a good time.

I helped a complete stranger get her car unstuck from a snow bank she'd slid into--I don't know why. I saw that she was having a difficult time and something inside my head told me to help her, "Help her, Curt," it said. And so I did. She thanked me and said that I was a gentleman. No one's ever called me that before!!! She even said that if she was single, she'd ask for my phone number. We both laughed (should I have thanked her?) and I waved as she drove away.

That made my day.

Friday, February 5, 2010

deus ex machina.




The snow came from nowhere.


Isn't it strange that sometimes when you feel like you're stuck between a rock and hard place, that an almost surreal occurrence happens? It is snowing right now. It has been snowing since this afternoon. And the weathermen and women are baffled. There was no sign of such a big storm, they are saying into the cameras. The Ghost called and said that I didn't need to show up tomorrow until 8:00! He told me to take my time. To be careful. I've noticed this with the Ghost. He's always very cautious whenever the weather takes a turn for the worst. I wonder why...?


The weather today reminds me of this:




I think I'm going to make some butter today. And maybe some bread and pierogies! It's been a while since I've been able to devote time to real cooking.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

incomplete

I remember when I was very young, my family went on a trip to the northeast. We camped in Vermont, and visited some family friends in New Hampshire. I remember encountering the phrase "live free or die" there for the first time, and being really confused. I must have been 6 or 7. There are some tough notions in there. Freedom, death. A lot to think about really. I have fond memories of that trip.

This morning, I couldn't get my route done any faster. It's not in me to drive like a maniac, and I think that's the only way I could really do it. The papers don't come off the presses any earlier in the morning just because I'm Curt G. Jimenez.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Second Route

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. It was a c r a z y day. I don't remember much of it, but I know that I'm exhausted.

The Ghost was giving me a hard time today, saying that I wasn't finishing my second route early enough and that people were starting to complain. I told him I was doing the best that I could. He said he'd give me another week to improve and if not, he was going to take my second route away. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get any faster, I already feel like I'm going as fast as I can. I just want a vacation. I just want to go on this vision quest.

Today, I talked to Stella. I held the urn and asked her what I should do. I said, "Stella, what should I do?" But, she didn't say anything. I guess it's one of those things I have to figure out on my own. What should I do? What am I doing? When I was a kid, I wanted to chase tornadoes. When someone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said I wanted to be a storm chaser. But now, I don't know what I want to do with my life. All I know is that the days are passing and I'm not getting any younger!

What I think is that one should do what one wants to do and do things as they want one day at a time. Whew! How convoluted, eh? Let me give you a for instance. Today, I wanted to make butter, so I did (it was delicious! (it was a blue cheese butter!)) I started reading a book and I didn't like it, so I stopped because I wanted to stop (it was about some big house with seven or eight gables). I wanted to take a walk to the library, so I did.

I just have to take things one day at a time. Tomorrow, I'm going to do the best I can with my second route. We'll see what happens.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Cracked

Today, I drank coffee from a mug that had a crack in it. At first, I thought I was just being careless with my coffee and that I was spilling coffee on my leg because I was moving the mug too quickly. So, I slowed down. Then, I thought that maybe I had been a sloppy pourer, and that the coffee puddles on the kitchen table appeared from coffee running down the side of the mug. So, I took a paper towel and wiped the outside of the mug. But coffee kept appearing in places where it shouldn't have been appearing. So, I examined the mug and found a hairline crack running down its side. When I saw the crack I exclaimed: "Geez-o-pete!"


I switched mugs and enjoyed the rest of my coffee. Then, I wrote this haiku:


There are many cracks-

like the thin crack in my mug-

in the life we live.