Exterminator

I've never read Remembrance of Things Past. Things pass. Things are remembered. But it is the book I've used on the cockroaches in the house. Early mornings, there they are, lazy and unafraid, or maybe surfacing because they know I will drop the book on them. Vol. I. And they've committed to dying. I give them a chance. I say, "Run for it," and put my foot close by, to give it a reason it can see, maybe even feel. Can it feel the displaced air from my footfalls? Maybe I should read Remembrance of Things Past so that it is less of a weapon and more of a literary device, so that I do not crush the cockroaches with it, or I do, but with more of a purpose. That I've killed them with some device I despise. Vague pronouns, everywhere, I don't like them too much.

After I've done the deed, it looks like I've just dropped a book on the floor. It is there, on the floor, and I am looking at it. I lift it up, anticipating or hoping that the cockroach will run behind the refrigerator, but that is never the case. I turn the book over, and there it is, crushed and juicy, a leg dangling and certainly dead. I wipe it off with a paper towel but there is some remnant it leaves behind--it is a silvery patch on the navy blue cover. It is one of many.

The sound of a book falling in the morning and hitting the ground is louder than you'd think. But the sound is abbreviated. Then it is replaced with the sound of coffee brewing. But early in the morning, the sound sticks with you like a sore, when it is in that empty space before coffee it carves a notch in your skull.

Today, I returned Remembrance of Things Past to the library. I will never read that book. I look for a bigger book, one with a spine as thick as the width of the book. It is Atlas Shrugged. This book, when it lands on a bug, I bet it will open up to a gray page with closely knitted text and I bet it will sound less...heavy. Less...despairing. Then I can go on with my day. Then I can remember the page I read in Atlas Shrugged as I picked up the book. Then I can feel more productive and less guilty. Then I can feel less guilty. Yes.