Leggie Blonde

Yesterday, I woke up early so that inspiration would come to me. Yesterday, I woke up early and had coffee with Dad so that inspiration would come to me. Yesterday, I waited for inspiration to come to me and while I waited, Dad said to me, "I think I've decided on cremation," and I said, "What?" and Dad said, "When I die, I'd like to be cremated." It was hard to wait for inspiration to come to me after Dad told me this, but still I waited.

In the afternoon, Dad mowed the grass, and the noise from the mower made concentrating "hard" to "do" and I drove to the nearest coffee shop and ordered a latte. The caffeine made me dizzy. All I could think about was cremation. And Stella. Cremation and Stella. Cremation and Stella. Inspiration would not come to me there. So, I left the coffee shop and drove to Lake Erie and rolled around in the sand with all my clothes on and thought about Stella. Some teenagers laughed at me, but I didn't care, because I would have laughed at myself too if I were with them. I didn't want to go back home, but I did. I took a bath. Afterwards, Dad told me to clean the sand from the bathtub and I did. I thought of cremation then and inspiration did not come to me. We sat in front of the TV. Dad told me he ran over a cat. I told him that I stole a fork from my old workplace. "Figures," he said.

Then this played on TV:



and I felt inspired. Then Dad turned the channel.

On Moving On

I noticed a sign today that someone had posted, as I was walking dog-less. I was dog-less because many things have not been going right for me lately, things that I am too ashamed to have brought up in this space. Part of me feels as though I should have mentioned what has been going on, but part of me feels that it is better this way. You should know that I am moving on, because I have to. Warden and Regrette are in the past, existing only in memory now with Stella. This is where we are. I am still living with my father, but I am still working my two jobs, and I am very ready to move out.

This sign that I saw said:

Fulfill Your Dream!!!! Record A Song in a Professional Recording Studio!!! $100

$100 dollars does not feel like so much to me today as it might have a year ago. And I think I am ready to express myself, in a big way. And I do not have to work tomorrow, miracle of miracles.

Tomorrow I am going to write a song, and I am going to make a phone call.

I think I have a lot of things to say.

Something in the universe is telling me something

I was working at the gas station when someone came inside and asked if I was Curt G. Jimenez.
"Are you Curt G. Jimenez?" this person asked. This person was a man in drag. This man, whose stage name might have been Ivanna Foch, did not know how to apply lipstick. I don't either, but I remember as a kid, my sister taught me how to color. She said, "Color within the lines." Ivanna did not have lines. Ivanna did not have boundaries?
"I am Curt," I said.
"I just love your blog," this man in drag said. "I follow it religiously. I read it as soon as I wake up. When there are no new posts, I have a sh***y day. When there is a new post, I dance the best I've ever danced. I strut in my heels like I know what I'm doing. I love you Curt," this man said. "I really, really love you. I love butter too. I love dogs too. I love every single thing, every fiber, thought, movement, everything about your existence."

Then, I woke up. I had to write about this. Something in the universe is telling me something.

August

It's August, already, air-conditioned spaces, non-air-conditioned spaces, air-conditioned spaces again.

I think I am ready to move, not because I don't like living with Dad, but because I am ready, I am ready to begin, again.

How many beginnings can a person have that aren't really beginnings? Have I used up all my beginnings?

Air-conditioned spaces. Non-air-conditioned spaces. Air-conditioned spaces.

Beginning. Beginning. Beginning.